April 2024 | Dealing with Anger
March 30, 2024
Anger is something that we all experience from the time we’re small. Just think of a child screaming and stomping their feet because they didn’t get what they wanted. When we’re young and inexperienced at complex emotions we often default to being angry when we’re really hurt or sad. As we become adults, we learn to better understand the array of negative emotions we will feel in the course of our lives and also learn better ways to cope with our anger. But sometimes we can struggle with this. While anger can be useful, excessive anger can keep us from living satisfying lives.
What is anger?
Anger is one of those things we may be best able to recognize by its external signals in others and may overlook or mischaracterize in ourselves. We see two people screaming at each other, their faces getting red, their arms being thrown around, and we know they’re angry. But what about when someone cuts us off in line for the bus, taking the last seat, leaving us silently wishing ill fate upon that person, even long after we’ve gotten off the bus? Anger can be both big and small. It can yell or use rude hand gestures in public but it can also sit inside us, quietly seething, for long after an offending incident has passed.
Why do we experience anger?
Anger is part of our stress response, an automatic physiological response wherein a stressful situation triggers a reaction in us to either fight, fly, or freeze. Sensing danger or distress, our bodies react with heightened emotions such as anger so that we will take action to keep ourselves safe.
In contemporary times, we often get angry at things that are less dangerous than they are frustrating—all a part of that stress response. When we are unable to navigate frustration in a productive way, we become angry. Traffic is a great example of this. If you’ve ever spent even a little bit of time stuck in traffic, chances are by the end of it you’re boiling. Was the traffic dangerous? Probably not; it was likely just inconvenient. But when you’re finally free of the gridlock, you may start to take your anger out in a dangerous manner: speeding and driving erratically to vent frustration (and make up for lost time). And this takes us to unhealthy anger.
When is anger unhealthy?
Anger can be useful. If we’ve been truly wronged, anger can spur us to work to make things right. And as mentioned above, anger is built into our operating systems, we’ll never be truly free of it. But anger can be unhealthy, both mentally and physically, and together in a vicious cycle. Anger can cause us to unnecessarily dwell on a situation, so even three days later, you’re still thinking about that jerk on the bus who took your seat. This may mean you continue to have elevated cortisol (the stress hormone) and blood pressure, which keeps your body in an unnecessary state of heightened stress. Over time this can be bad for all sorts of things related to physical health. It can also affect your sleep. Both poor sleep and physical stress can in turn worsen mental health, compounding the issue. Becoming angry very often, or holding onto angry feelings for prolonged periods, takes a toll on your body and your mind.
How can we manage unhealthy anger?
There are tools that can help you cope with an unnecessary and unhealthy amount of anger.
Recognize your triggers
We all have different things that upset us. Learning to recognize which things cause your anger to spike above a reasonable level will help you know when to work on addressing those feelings so you can reduce their impact. Try this exercise: whenever you feel yourself dwelling negatively on a situation, write it down. After a week, take a look at your list. Is there any sort of pattern? Do you find that you’re getting really upset every day because you’re stuck in traffic? Are you climbing the walls because a coworker is so noisy and you can’t concentrate?
Adapt behaviors and/or find tools to help you manage frustrations, so you don’t reach that very angry state
After you are able to understand what things are making you angry, you can consider ways to modify the situation to help reduce your frustration, by either trying to adjust the situation itself or by finding ways to reduce the impact of the situation. Let’s consider the traffic: you could try leaving your house at a different time to avoid the traffic, or test out another mode of transportation if that’s available to you (a train, for example). Let’s say you try that and it doesn’t work: traffic is just as bad if you leave earlier or later, or you don’t have another way to get to work. That unfortunately means you’re stuck with traffic and the truth is that many of our frustrations are things we can’t do anything to change or stop. So then we have to learn to live with them in a way where we don’t have such a stressful reaction. One way to cope with this reality is to change how you see the situation. You’re mad because you’re stuck in the car for 30 minutes longer than you feel you should be. Is there anything you can (safely) do in the car to take advantage of those 30 minutes? Is there a book you don’t have time to read, that you can instead listen to during that time? Can you explore the radio stations to see if there’s a show on that you’ll really enjoy listening to? Can you use that time to plan out your work day or personal life, maybe using a dictation app on your phone to create a to do list?
Use relaxation methods to help decrease overall stress, so that you reduce your overall frustration/anger
Mindfulness and meditation are fantastic ways to cope with anger and stress. They can be employed when you are in a heightened state to help bring your emotions into a quieter state and can be incorporated into times when you are already calmer, where their practice can help you find a way to not escalate in the first place.
While anger is an unavoidable part of life, it’s tough on your mind and your body and it’s something to learn how to manage better if you find its impacting your day-to-day functioning.