October 2022 Newsletter | With a Little Help from My Friends (and Family, and Colleagues, and Neighbors…)

Posted October 3, 2022

Adult life is incredibly demanding. Be it work, school, family, friends, roommates, or your collection of houseplants, at times it can feel like everyone and everything wants something from you—all at the same time. The exhaustion and stress that come with being pulled in a hundred directions at once can lead to poor mood and dissatisfaction. When we have a lot on our plates, we may overlook one obvious option for accomplishing our duties: asking for help.

In contemporary society, asking for help can be very difficult. It can make us feel like we aren’t as capable as we thought ourselves to be. We may think that it’s a sign of weakness, an indicator to others that we cannot handle our own lives. But asking for help is a natural part of being human. As social creatures, we have always lent a hand to one another, for survival and for the sake of being good neighbors. 

Knowing when and how to ask for help—before you have reached a breaking point—will put you in a great position for those times when the world starts to close in. 

When to ask for help

If you have 70 unread emails, a sink full of used dishes, an empty fridge, a report due tomorrow, and you haven’t found a few minutes yet today to hop in the shower, you’ve waited too long to ask for help.

Recognizing when we’re on the way to hitting a wall can feel like yet another task to add to our to-do list but it’s incredibly important to notice when things are starting to feel like they are piling up. If you end every day feeling defeated by the amount of things still left undone, or so exhausted that the idea of doing it all over again the next day frightens you, then you are on burnout’s doorstep. 

We also do not want to wait to ask for help only after resentment has already set in. Think about it: you feel overwhelmed and overburdened. When you finally reach the point of asking your partner or housemate to do the dishes, or your coworker to help with the report, how likely are you to feel that they have not been carrying their weight from the start (and to make your request in a less than considerate manner)?

How to ask for help

Do not expect that others will know when you need help. We have all probably been guilty of this at one time or another, expecting that our loved ones will know when to step in and offer to lighten our load. Having this expectation can lead to disappointment and hurt feelings. Instead of waiting for someone to recognize your needs, reach out and ask if they are able to provide assistance. Remember: no one is a mindreader. 

When asking for the help of others we must show grace and humility as well as reasonableness. If you need a hundred cupcakes for the bake sale, it is reasonable to ask your friend to come over and help with a few days’ advance notice. It is unreasonable to ask your friend to come over a few hours before the bake sale and to stop to pick up the ingredients on their way.

Even if the resources are there, keep in mind other constraints of the person you ask for help; if you need a ride to the airport for a nighttime flight, it probably doesn’t make sense to ask for a ride from your friend with small children (and early bedtimes), even if they are your only friend with a car. 

It is also important to keep in mind that just because we ask for help does not mean that our request will be granted. We must show the same gracious, reasonable attitude no matter the outcome. 

Asking for help as a way to build community

American society in particular rests upon the myth of “doing it all yourself.” In reality, very few people have ever been entirely self-made. People who achieve a lot in life often rely upon the help of others to realize their goals. Asking for help, and providing help in return when called upon, can be a wonderful way to build bonds with others.

This is not a “tit-for-tat,” transactional arrangement, though. Rather, this is creating a fluid sharing of resources when available. If during a blizzard I borrow my neighbor’s snowblower, I can be available to water his plants when he goes on vacation six months later. The help my neighbor and I provide one another is not exactly the same because we each have different resources we are able to share. As we do kindnesses for each other, over time we build trust and provide support.

Remember to say “thank you” and move on

When someone agrees to help you, thank them both in advance and right after they have completed the task. How you say thank you is very individual to the parties involved and the nature of the request. It may be a simple text message, an offer to return the same kindness in the future, or through some sort of gift or monetary compensation. While “over thanking” someone may make them feel uncomfortable (you don’t need to send your coworker a bouquet of flowers for taking notes for you at one meeting), you should always take the time to acknowledge when someone else has provided aid. 

Once you have given appropriate thanks, move on. Don’t dwell on the fact that you were not able to do everything yourself. Each of us only has so much time each day, only so much energy available to us. When we recognize that we cannot do everything on our own we accept that we are a person with our own needs and limitations—in other words, we are simply human. 

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Need some help with asking for help? Learn how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can enable you to change your mindset. Our therapists support and empower our clients to make positive changes in their lives.